Continue reading to learn how you can be present for your children during this difficult time. 

Prioritizing Your Children

Children crave attention, and one of the best times you can root for them is during a school event. Nothing will warm your child’s heart more than seeing you cheer them on from the sidelines. For this reason, you shouldn’t take it as a personal attack when your child invites your former spouse. Remember, these events highlight your children’s accomplishments, and they’re not about your feelings.

If you’re the custodial parent, it’s your responsibility to keep your ex updated on school events. You don’t have to meet up with them in person to discuss events, nor do you need to call them. You can simply send them a text message or send a formal invitation via e-mail. Don’t overcomplicate communication, and keep these updates short. 

If you and your ex refuse to speak to each other, you can also set up a shared online calendar where you can both post important dates, times, and locations for events. Keeping a calendar leaves the ball in your ex’s court, and they can decide whether to attend or not. Moreover, they won’t be able to accuse you of keeping information from them. 

Picking a Seat at School Events

Even if you and your ex are on bad terms, you must both act cordially in front of your children. Both of you must set an example for your children and everyone else’s children, and you don’t want to be the two people who ruin a school event. Teachers and other parents will remember both of you as the two people who couldn’t stop bickering at the awards ceremony. 

If you both have moved on from a bitter divorce, then you might consider sitting next to each other. Children always look for their parents when they’re in front of an audience, and seeing both parents together will help alleviate performance anxiety. 

However, if your ex brings their new significant other, you will want to sit in a different section. Your ex-spouse might bring their new partner to get a reaction from you, and the best move you can take is to ignore them. Although you want to be the best parent possible, you also have to look out for yourself. Calmly explain to your children that you would rather sit alone without insulting your former spouse’s new partner. 

Contact The Ault Firm

If you’re still going through a divorce, school events are one of the last things you’re worried about. Divorce is a lengthy process, and no one should have to go through it alone. Contact The Ault Firm today to work with an experienced divorce attorney who will fight for you in court. 

The post School Events After Divorce appeared first on The Ault Firm, P.C..

Our defenses are typically down with loved ones, with our deepest fears, dreams, and secrets uncovered like Achilles’ heel. As time passes our histories and personalities paint a picture of the person that we are. This picture, in turn, reveals the emotional strings and buttons that can be pushed and pulled to play with our emotions like marionettes.

With enough time sprinkled into the equation, a once beautiful relationship can crumble like the Roman Colosseum. Armed with the intimate knowledge gathered during a relationship, our former partners can become our present bullies – making threats that paralyze action through fear manipulation, with the intent to keep one suspended in an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

But bullies aren’t limited to swaggering Goliaths that dole out bruises to generate the fear necessary to control our actions. Bullying can also come in the form of emotional and psychological methods. Often this emotional abuse spills over into a toxic relationship. Fear is often generated through threats to prevent a person from divorcing oneself from abuse, cutting the strangling cords of control and taking positive steps towards a healthy life and relationship.

Here are some questions to consider if you believe that you are being emotionally bullied. Does your partner:

Threaten to make your life miserable if you don’t bend to their wishes?
Repeatedly threaten to end your marriage unless you do what they want?
Outright tell you – or imply – that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed unless you do what they want?
Lavish you with approval when you do what they want, and then take it away when you don’t?
Constantly label you as selfish, bad, greedy, unfeeling, or uncaring simply because you failed to meet their demands?
Use money as a weapon to get what they want?
If any of these statements apply to your relationship, then you are likely involved with an emotional bully.

In my practice, I routinely encounter the same themes and recurring threats in toxic relationships. Here are five common threats that I’ve encountered that bullies use to prevent a divorce:

If you leave me I will harm myself, you and/or the children:

Threats of this magnitude generally constitute domestic abuse under the Family Violence Protection Act. A person that has been threatened with violence – and reasonably believes that one’s spouse poses an immediate threat of harm – should immediately file a Petition for Order of Protection. In Albuquerque this Petition can be filed with the Domestic Violence Division of Second Judicial District Court.

The Petition can be filed between the hours of 8:30 – 10:30 AM and 1 – 3 PM. Claims of this nature should result in the reviewing Judge finding that there is probable cause to support a Temporary Order of Protection being entered that restrains the abusing party from contact until a Hearing is held. By statute, this Hearing must be held before an assigned Special Commissioner within ten days. At this hearing, the Commissioner listens to both sides – considers the testimony, credibility of the parties, and any evidence supporting or refuting one’s claim. The Commissioner determines if the necessary “preponderance of the evidence” has been established demonstrating that an act of abuse has occurred. “Preponderance of the evidence” is legal jargon meaning that the Commissioner believes that it is “more likely than not” that an act of abuse has occurred. For practical purposes, “preponderance of the evidence” generally means that the commissioner has listened to both sides and finds one side more believable.

Threats of this nature are extremely serious and will likely result in an Order of Protection being entered at the Hearing, extending the temporary order to a longer period of time.

When children are involved, the Special Commissioner has jurisdiction for six months to determine issues such as temporary custody and time-sharing. Generally speaking, divorce is usually filed in the “DM Court” with the assigned Judge addressing a long term Parenting Plan, based on the appropriate system of timesharing that is in the child’s best interests.

If you leave me I will take our children, leave the country, and you will never see us again:

This is a common threat with a common solution. At times married and unmarried parents are threatened with the prospect of the other parent leaving the state or country with the child. In other words, this is a classic fear-based threat that preys on one’s fear of losing a loved one, with the endgame of controlling one’s actions. Assuming that the child has lived in Utah for six consecutive months – thereby making NM the home state of the child – one has the ability to file either a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage or Petition to Establish Paternity, Custody, and Timesharing (when the parents are not married). With either Petition, one can also request the court to issue a “Temporary Domestic Order” that Orders the parties: “Do not remove, cause or permit the removal of any minor child of both parties from the State of Salt Lake City without a court order or written consent of the other party.”

One wrinkle with Temporary Domestic Orders is that they only become legally binding once they are properly served on the other party. As such, it is imperative to file as quickly as possible when one believes that the other party will flee Utah with a minor child. Proactively filing in a timely manner increases the likelihood that one will be able to effectuate proper service of process, making the TDO binding and effective.

Once the Temporary Domestic Order is properly served, it becomes a binding court order that can be enforced. In Orwellian, Newspeak terms — violating a TDO is Doubleplus Ungood.

If you leave me I will hire the mad dog, Mike Tyson of lawyers that will pound you into pieces – and you will never see your child again.

My experience with this threat is that the people that are the most likely to make this threat are also the least likely to have actually spoken with an attorney – much less an experienced attorney. Statements of this nature are generally followed by a wildly one-sided and fuzzy regurgitation of law that fails to remotely reflect the realities of Utah law. Such a wild and unrealistic threat could consist of threatening the primary caregiver of the child that you will get sole legal and physical custody, based on your lawyer’s wizardly abilities.

With that said, I’ll be the first to admit that all lawyers are not created equally. Saying that all lawyers are equal is like saying that all quarterbacks, cars, or restaurants are equal.

The key takeaway with this threat is to speak with an experienced attorney that can explain the reality of Utah law in relation to your unique facts and situation. It is always preferable to take positive action and speak with an experienced attorney rather than remain shackled in an unhealthy relationship based on paralyzing fear.

If you leave me I will cut off all of your financial support leaving you penniless:

This is a common threat that has the ability to bang the gong of fear that reverberates strongly, leading to inaction. The reality of marriage is that both parties generally have different levels of education, experience, financial resources, and earning potential. Utah courts understand that marriage is often like a teeter-totter with the two sides of the marriage on completely different financial levels. The disparity between each side’s financial means often creates a dependency that can scare one into non-action due to the fear of not being able to meet one’s basic needs upon separation.

Two legal concepts exist that assist a financially disadvantaged party with support – Interim Support and Spousal Support.

Interim Support:

Interim support is essentially spousal support while the divorce is pending. In a nutshell, the court takes each partner’s NET INCOME and minuses the FIXED MONTHLY EXPENSES (i.e. monthly expenses such as mortgage payment, utilities, phone, internet, etc.). NET INCOME – FIXED MONTHLY EXPENSES = NET SPENDABLE INCOME. The court then equalizes the parties’ net spendable income, to put both parties on a level playing field. In other words, if one partner has an excess NET SPENDABLE INCOME of $1,000, the court will split the $1,000 between both sides, while the divorce is pending.

Alimony/Spousal Support:

Alimony/Spousal Support is the support that one receives after the divorce is finalized. Alimony is based on a number of factors. The two most important factors that affect alimony are a need and ability to pay. A good way to conceptualize an alimony award is to imagine your judge holding a bucket in each hand. On one side the judge holds a bucket labeled: NEED FOR SUPPORT. On the other side, the judge holds a buck labeled ABILITY TO PAY. The judge listens to all of the facts and figures, spilling a bit from each bucket until equalization is reached.

Another important factor affecting alimony awards is the length of the marriage. Utah courts generally believe that longer marriages lead to a longer need for support. Speaking very generally, the tipping point for alimony is 5 years.

Some Utah judges will not award alimony for marriages under 5 years. On the other hand, when there are exceptional circumstances, some Judges will award transitional/rehabilitative alimony, for a limited period of time for marriages under 5 years. One of the harsh realities of alimony is that it is not based on statute, with clear, enforceable guidelines such as child support. Based on the lack of statutory law, judges have wide discretion to fashion an alimony award that they find equitable.

For marriages between 5 and 10 years the court generally only awards transitional/rehabilitative alimony that provides one party with financial support to receive education, training, work experience, or other forms of rehabilitation that increases the receiving spouse’s ability to earn income and become self-supporting.

Marriages between 10 and 20 years generally lead to alimony awards for 30% to 50% of the number of years of marriage.

For marriages that are 20 years and longer, Utah courts can grant alimony for an indefinite duration.

The post Signs That You’re Being Bullied With Divorce appeared first on The Ault Firm, P.C..

The new spouse will most likely be the same gender as the non-custodial biological parent. Because they are the same sex, the children’s relationship with the new spouse will likely be affected significantly by the nature of their relationship with the non-custodial parent. If that relationship is good, the children may be more likely to perceive the new spouse as an intruder into the family. If that relationship is not good, the difficulties of children’s relationship with the non-custodial parent may be transferred to the new spouse. In either case, the new spouse is in a difficult position and may be tempted to interfere with the non-custodial parent’s relationship with the children, in order to improve the new spouse’s relationship with the children.

The issue where this interference is most likely to occur is in the non-custodial parent’s parenting time. Such interference can be overt or covert. Overt interference might be encouraging the custodial parent to ignore the parenting plan or seeking to have it modified to benefit the custodial parent (and the new spouse). Covert interference might be encouraging the children to schedule events during the non-custodial parent’s parenting time, particularly events the children might prefer over activities the non-custodial parent might prefer.

If it is possible for the parents to address such issues directly, they can avoid involving outside parties and will likely arrive at agreements that will work better for them and the children than plans imposed, for example, by a court. Where parents cannot negotiate directly, mediation or counseling may be helpful. The goal of such direct negotiation will be to craft as specific a parenting time plan as possible, minimizing the possibility of misunderstanding regarding each parent’s expectations.

If prior to a divorce, it appears likely that such stepparent issues may later arise, it will be important to seek specific language in a separation agreement identifying a parenting time plan. If no agreement is possible, the parents should ask the judge to be as specific as possible in ordering parenting time. It may also be useful, in either an agreement or a court order, to note that both parents will avoid disparaging the other parent when the children are present and that they will not allow the children to remain present where anyone is disparaging the non-present parent.

Because blended families are created out of death or divorce, they are ripe for emotional turmoil. Because a custodial stepparent is taking the physical place of the non-custodial biological parent, such emotional turmoil often focuses on the stepparent, the non-custodial parent, and their relationships with the children. If children of divorce are ever to regain their faith in families, such that they will be emotionally equipped to risk marrying and starting their own family, it is important that the adults in the divorce the children witness approach this emotional minefield with as much maturity as possible. While it may be tempting for the parents to continue the animosity of the divorce, or for the stepparent to enter the fray, should they do so, the damage will be borne out in the children and their future relationships. The duty of the adults in such circumstances will be to treat each other and their agreements with respect, and hope their children will learn from their parents’ examples.

The post Dealing With Your Children’s Step-Parent appeared first on The Ault Firm, P.C..

• Gender stereotypes and biases in the family court system in Utah cause fathers to lose child custody battles, resulting in less parent-time and custody;
• Fathers are more likely to be pushed into assuming the secondary parent role after a divorce; and
• Mothers are more likely to turn the child against the father through the process of parental alienation, restraining orders, false domestic violence or child abuse accusations, or other methods.

How a child custody attorney may be able to help you connect with your child
“For many dads in Utah, divorce destabilizes their relationship with their children and they no longer find ways to connect with their kids post-divorce,” says our <strongSalt Lake City child custody attorney at The Ault Firm. This is true even for fathers who gain a 50-50 split in child custody, even though this kind of split is rather rare in the modern world, largely due to the gender biases that are still prevalent in the family court system in Utah.

It goes without saying that after divorce, fathers enjoy much less parenting time than they had during their marriage. Many dads in Utah benefit from hiring an experienced child custody attorney in Salt Lake City, because it is paramount to make sure that your ex-wife is not trying to take away or restrict your parental rights.

With a skilled lawyer by your side, you may be able to obtain a child support or child custody modification as long as you can prove that such a modification is in the child’s best interest.

3 tips for fathers on how to connect with their kids after divorce

There are several ways fathers can connect with their children and/or rebuild trust and emotional bond after a divorce, as challenging as it may sound if your ex-wife is trying to do whatever it takes to ruin that connection, trust, and bond.

Stay active and engaged. Regardless of how much parenting time you were awarded as a result of your divorce, it is critical to stay active and engaged. Be genuinely curious about your child’s life, his/her interests, post-school activities, education, and other aspects of his or her life. Having those superficial “How was your day at school?” conversations is not enough to connect with your child after a divorce. You need to get deeper than that. Encourage your kid to talk about their feelings, fears, worries, what makes them happy and unhappy… These are the conversations that truly matter.

Find a new shared hobby or activity. If you want your child to be looking forward to spending time with you, you need to find a shared hobby or activity both you and your child have an interest in or are passionate about. A hobby or shared activity offer a perfect opportunity for you to have meaningful conversations with your child (we have previously discussed why these conversations are important).

Do not be hard on your child. Be forgiving. As you may or may not know, divorce is painful not only for the parents getting divorced, but also their kids. Many parents do not realize that children react to their parents’ divorce differently, and some get angry or upset about it. For children, especially those under the age of 18, it takes time to make sense of things and process their emotions and feelings. So make sure you are forgiving and helpful when it comes to helping your child cope with his or her emotions and feelings after the divorce.

What if the only way to connect with your child after a divorce is to seek a child custody or child support modification? Consult with our Salt Lake City child custody attorney about your legal options today. Call at 801-539-9000 for a free case evaluation.

The post 3 Tips For Fathers On How To Connect With Your Child After Divorce appeared first on The Ault Firm, P.C..

“By keeping records of written electronic communications and recording audio conversations with your spouse before, during, and after divorce, you will always be able to prove key facts in your case and shield yourself from false allegations and lies,” says our Salt Lake City divorce attorney at The Ault Firm. “The only thing that matters is that you comply with legal restrictions and limitations in Utah – or else these evidence and recordings will be inadmissible in court.”

Is it legal to keep emails, text messages and other written communication with your spouse?

So what are the rules for recording written and oral communications with your spouse or ex-spouse? Let’s start with written communication, which typically includes emails and text messages on your phone (the old-fashioned letters are a relic of the past in 2018, so it is very unlikely that you and your spouse communicate via the traditional correspondence).

Under Utah law, you are permitted to save copies and take screenshots of your email and text message communication with your spouse. In fact, our experienced divorce attorney in Salt Lake City says that it is risky to just leave potentially valuable, compromising, or incriminating emails or text messages on your email or cell provider’s server.

It is not uncommon for emails and text messages to disappear for no reason. And more often than not, it is impossible or extremely difficult to retrieve that data by contacting your email server admin or cell provider (typically, they do not store all your electronic communications). Even if they can retrieve data for you, it will be super expensive to do so.

So make it a habit to take screenshots of your written communication with your spouse, especially if he or she writes something that could help you prove your point and prevail in your divorce case. It is advised to print copies (if you keep them on your phone creates, there is a risk that your spouse could erase them) and store them somewhere safe (for example, safe deposit box or give it to a family member or someone you can trust).

Is it legal to record phone calls and conversations with your spouse in Utah?

Many of our readers in Utah ask our lawyers at The Ault Firm: “Do I violate any laws in Utah by recording telephone calls and in-person communications with my wife or husband?”

The answer to your question is “No, it is not illegal, but there are a few rules to keep in mind when doing so,” says our Salt Lake City divorce attorney. Contrary to the popular belief in Utah, you do not need your spouse’s permission to record a phone conversation or in-person, non-electronic communication as long as you are a party to the communication (meaning: it is fine to record phone calls and conversations unless you are secretly recording your spouse talking to somebody else).

Even if your spouse does not reasonably expect you to record the conversation between him/her and you, you are still permitted to record the conversation and use it as admissible evidence in court. But steer clear of hiding your recording device under the bed or in your spouse’s office to record him or her having conversations with other parties.

Keeping records and recording conversations is a crucial part of divorce in Utah. After all, only these recordings and records will help you prove what was and was not said by your spouse to avoid becoming a victim of false claims, lies, misinterpretations and misunderstandings.

Sounds too confusing? Schedule a free consultation with our attorneys at The Ault Firm. Call our offices at 801-539-9000.

The post Utah Divorce: The Rules For Recording Text And Audio Conversations With Your Spouse appeared first on The Ault Firm, P.C..